Alpha Angel

Nothing prepares you for the worst phone call of your life. Or the whirlwind of events that follow it. I wish I could go back in time, to the person I was before that phone call. I'm well aware that my life will never be as comfortable as it was before then. Rapid expansion calls one to evolve, and to do so so quickly that there is no remainder of the old life left. Spiritually speaking, of course. It's a cheat code to evolution. But frankly, I prefer ignorance, it was blissful there ...

Two weeks ago I took my boys school shopping. I allowed them to spend entirely too much money on the shoes they wanted this year. It was kind of fun to pretend not to worry about money for an afternoon. We spent the day at the mall near my apartment, browsing and buying. The excitement they expressed the rest of the day made me smile and float about my apartment. It felt good to be ... normal. To buy the things we wanted without hyperventilating. If you grew up poor, you strongly relate to the struggle just to breathe when it involves money.

My sister and I text often, nearly every day. It's been this way forever. We rarely go a significant amount of time without catching up on the big things, the small things, and the petty things. I'm so used it, to her being there, that sometimes I'm a little checked out. This week I was particularly busy, and my replies felt kind of shitty, to be honest. I made plans to catch up with her soon. To send her a funny tik tok video, or tell her about that thing that I've forgotten now. The night I received the phone call that will haunt me for the rest of my life, I was getting ready to do just that.

To be honest, I'd been in a foul mood, worried about financial security after my lease is up. I bribed my way into a two bedroom apartment contract that once my lease is up, I really can't afford. I am so anxious about it, I can't relax and enjoy my "new beginning" the way I feel I'm supposed to. Because where does a single mom who doesn't qualify for food stamps @ 16.75 an hour (really?) go from here? I was drowning in my fears of tomorrow, and I was distant, though she insistently checked in on me. So I knew I owed her better than my half assed texts back.

She wrote about the tattoos she wanted to get. A few on her fingers, which I thought sounded painful. And her son's astrological sign, the Aries symbol. She sent photos of the dogs she babysat at doggy daycare, with funny facts about them, slobbery photos included. Sometimes she griped about a work situation (don't we all?), or had a moody tone about her boyfriend, or a friend. I took those moments for granted. Never realizing that the small moments we shared would be the only moments we got in the end. We vaguely discussed a trip to Washington State. She was excited about Halloween, and the fall weather. 

The last time I saw my sister alive she was glowing. She was beautiful, and she seemed peaceful. But I lacked inner peace that day, wondering how the universe could set everyone up for success, but me. I felt picked on. I was tired of my own healing journey, my own eternal human suffering, and I was a little quiet, because I was also tired of burdening her with my woes. She was blossoming. She was becoming a woman I didn't recognize, and I was happy for her. But I felt left out of the good in life, and I didn't want to inundate her with that energy. I wanted her to finally get to be happy, like normal people.

August will always be my least favorite month from now on. It's hot and stupid, and a complete fucking disappointment. 

I picked up my phone to see I had a couple of back to back missed calls from my brother. I instantly became worried. My mom has been getting worse, her dementia becoming a tyrant to her mind. I called him back, he picked up. I heard wailing in the background. I knew it was my "sister in law". He told me it was bad news, I asked him if it was my mom, if she had passed. He said, "worse". Then he told me my sister had been found unresponsive in the bathtub that evening, and that they hadn't been able to revive her. He told me they thought she had taken her life.

I've never heard the type of screams that came out of me that night, before. I begged him to tell me it wasn't true. I fell to my knees, screaming and crying, trying to wrap my mind around my new reality. I called my son, but could barely speak. He had to ask me several times to repeat myself. He hung up quickly, and before long he, his dad, his girlfriend and their new puppy were sitting beside me up until late that night. It's funny how fast your mind goes when it can't get a grip, and I could not get a grip. I haven't been able to think straight since that night.

Things escalated quickly as the night wore on, weaving into the early morning hours. Suddenly there was an "investigation". The house had been ripped apart by law enforcement, evidence was taken "from the scene", and my sisters body remained there on the ground, pulled from the tub by her boyfriend and thirteen year old son, for hours and hours and hours ... I later found out that my sister in law had gone to the house to sit with her until they took her body to the morgue. I have never had so much respect for someone in my life. I would have been there instantly, but I was getting the messages belatedly. I felt my mind was going to snap, so I sent a message to a cousin I knew would be up, and he talked to me for half an hour, until I felt like I wasn't going completely insane.

My sisters body wasn't released to us for three days. We were inundated with questions we couldn't answer from every direction. Initially we did our best to give authentic answers, but felt later on that we shouldn't have been so open. It felt like some people were curious, rather than concerned, but maybe we're sensitive about it. I keep asking myself (and my sister) even now, if I should be writing this, and it's a resounding positive affirmation. 

My brother had a weird dream the night before our sister passed on. He said in his dream, she had been shoving my mom underneath the water. She turned to him and said, "it's for the best." I had one too, but it wasn't anywhere near as helpful. Later on, after my intuition started picking things up, combined with dreams others had, I feel as if that was exactly what she meant. My sister showed me a life path that her soul simply couldn't go through with. The pain that life path would have inflicted was significantly worse on the people she loved than her leaving her body now would be. 

My sister in laws mother had a dream that we had to go visit my sister, because she couldn't leave her house. Based on the sneak peek autopsy results the medical investigator is finding, this might have actually been exactly what she meant by, "it's better this way." They're finding medical reasons this happened, and she had been complaining about her heart recently. I believe she had scheduled an appointment. She looked like a normal healthy 35 year old mother of two, so I wasn't worried. I had no intuitive inklings about her health. 

The things she has shown me are things I think add up with all of the physical evidence we have thus far. It's pure hell not to know how your loved one died. It's heart wrenching to wonder if they took their own life, when you were just a phone call away. It's maddening to envision her drowning all alone, while her family was there below her, settling in for the night. I could  literally lose my mind, so I lean into what I've been taught, which is spirituality. I took this journey hoping it would heal me, not knowing then what I know now. Spirituality is a lifetime journey. You have to choose it. You have to allow your spirit to guide you, because this human world, it can be so tragic. Too tragic for some of us to bare, especially without the belief in a higher power.

I was able to speak at my sisters funeral. I prayed for the strength to be able to get through the day, and I found it many times throughout the day. There are no words for a soul like my sister. In life we struggled with our mental health, with holding onto hope that things would ever improve for us, that we could have the things we wanted out of life. But in death, I have to laugh, because her soul is huge. She is a spiritual master, one who chose a life of hardship for her own personal development. Of course she chose me to be her sister. We chose each other, knowing that we would be the souls that taught each other what love is, in the midst of all the darkness. 

I haven't had a moment of peace since she passed. She's entered my thoughts, inserting the goofiest scenarios, to her mischievious pleasure. She's answered my questions about the afterlife (which I'll probably write about later). She's made me laugh out loud at inopportune moments. And she's pushed me to accept that she's gone. Her life is over as my sister in her body, but that she is with me eternally now instead. I woke up the day of her funeral to hear her clearly say to me, "no matter what happens today, I will be with you forever." And so I was able to get out of bed, and get dressed, to bury my baby sister, my best friend, and the reason I made it this far in life.

I have no choice but to keep living, though I had the thought that I should jump in after her, and let the dirt cover me up too. I don't know a life without her, without her crazy sense of humor, without her wise late night thoughts, without her spunky energy to brighten up my sometimes painfully mundane days. I question whether or not I can go on, but I know that I must go on. For me, my children, for her, and for her children. This is by far the most painful thing I've ever gone through in my life, but I am so grateful for 35 years of life spent next to this Alpha Angel of mine. I am beyond blessed to have known this soul on this Earth, even if for a short time.