The Divine Masculine Is Female

Father's be good to your daughter's. Daughter's will love like you do ... every time I hear John Mayer sing that particular line, I can't help but wonder "who thinks of me when they hear this song?" I'm facing some hard truths currently, as I'm forced to realize, "honey, you were no picnic yourself." I can admit that to myself, but it still sucks taking the blame for the way the main man in my life raised me (god rest your soul). The truth is, I was a fucking nightmare to be with in my younger years. There were a couple of brave men who's demons were probably as dark as mine were, who tried to love me whilst learning to love themselves. And it was every bit as messy as it sounds!

As I face spiritual teachers who really aren't healed, though they have built an entire life on claiming that they have paved the way for a new wave of healing in humanity, I realize, I don't want to be like that. I want to admit my human flaws, to myself and to others. I want to take my part of the blame for failed relationships, and I want to genuinely heal. I don't want to follow, or be like, spiritual teacher's/ people who stay in the dark night of their soul and reign in the energy of self hatred. I can, and I will, love the version of me I'm no longer familiar with. I will hold my inner child closer than ever, and I will travel out of this vortex of self hatred that leaves me on the receiving end of lack, always. This is the part of the movie where Scarlett O' Hara says, "As God is my witness, I shall never go hungry again!" 

I want to believe that people can change. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt. I want to think for a moment in time, that even the abuser can reshape themselves, as the alcoholic can one day suddenly decide to stop drinking his pain away. I rebel against this idea in our society that healing is something that can't be done, unless one is constantly struggling up a hill. I know there are healed teachers out there, who really deserve the spotlight. They aren't attached to their supreme darkness, seeking validation through their ego. They claim their power in actually healing their wounds, and not in instagram fame.

When I think of my boys, I can't help but be angry at the men in their lives. I have said to many people, I regret the man I chose to be my children's father. He has never really been interested in having a family, and he isn't a very loving father figure. He's condescending and lazy, and petty and hurtful. He does the bare minimum and expects absolute respect while never giving the same undying energy in return, to those who wanted to look up to him the most. He isn't leading with integrity, or showing them how to be better men. He has actually been guilty of the exact opposite, leading them to believe their mother deserves to be mistreated, forgotten, bullied, or abused. Of course I resent him for that. I did everything in my power to try to give my children better than I had as a child. I thought I chose better, but even though my ex isn't a drinker, he's still a Narssissist. I fucked it up anyway ... and that hurts me more than they will ever understand.

This is the first Father's Day where I am not setting my kids up with a present or a card for their dad. In the past we made him an apple pie from scratch. He has never celebrated me, with them, in the same way. I got flowers one year, because I made the most common mistake women make in relationships with me, I insisted he buy them for me. I will never ask a man to do for me (or beg), that which he is not inspired to do himself. Beiber says, "love is doing something because you want to", not because your arm is being twisted by a woman who is tired of being overlooked. 

I quit my job a year ago when my favorite manager was transferred to another store. The manager's left behind to run the store, didn't hold me high up in status. They didn't send out that same energy to me, that I was a valued employee. Walking the path of self love, I chose to leave behind everything I had worked so hard for. Fast forward a year, and I'm back. My manager has returned as well, for now. Things are finally running smoothly (better than before!). I feel like I came home after a period of time of self exploration out in the vast world of shitty jobs and even shittier wages. This man wants to work with me. He wants to give me what I want, within reason. And that is what I want from any and all people in my life. I don't want to have to beg for friendship, attention, and especially love. I feel like this is the Divine Masculine in action. Be a man women can count on to be safe to be around, no matter what energy she is in, or what the relationship is.

Yesterday evening I was walking home with my youngest son, from the corner store. We heard a couple arguing. Initially I didn't think much of it, but the girl's cries became louder and more urgent. She was terrified. She kept saying, "give me back my phone, let me go, take me home!" I sent my son home and stayed behind to access the situation. I became very scared and worried. All I could see was this young man blocking this girl's attempts to get out of the backseat of a vehicle. I hesitated to approach, as my mind ran through the list of horrific endings I might meet if I interfered. I also didn't want to push him to harm her any further. I stayed a distance, walking into a field, still watchin him. And then I ran into a kid about my son's age. I found out later they actually attend the same school. 

Fast forward, the cops were called. I hesitated so much to call the cops, because my most recent interactions with cops haven't given me much faith in their desire to actually protect the innocent. I felt really unsure about my actions, because I thought "what if this is just a young couple arguing?" The kid I met said something like, "she had fear in her. He should never put fear in her." I looked at him and I understood what I have been missing out my entire life, in my relationships with men, the total lack of fear. The lack of power imbalance. Suddenly I became righteous in my anger, I became a mother again, and I realized nobody has the right to make someone else afraid. Ever. Even for a few moments in time. That little girl didn't deserve that, and I have never deserved it either. Somebody planted in me, at a very young age, that fear is a normal part of loving a man, but it isn't.

I thanked the cop who appeared sympathetic to my version of the truth, the night he was called to my home by my narcissistic ex, but I don't think I should have. He didn't do anything. He didn't even write down what I told him. He turned around and spoke to my teenage son as if he should be grateful that his father didn't press charges for him throwing the first punch in their explosive argument. The truth was told, but it wasn't heard, because when a man tells his version it's all that matters. I had actually threatened to call the cops on my ex because he was throwing punches at my son, and he had pushed him down first. He started the whole thing, with his nasty, petty ways. He likes to pick on people. At first it was just me, but as my son got older (and yes, more defiant) it became him too. Upon hearing me say, "I'm calling 911 if you don't stop!" he pulled the phone out of his pocket and called them instead. Even though he started with the physical violence. Even though he was raining on an underage child up until that moment. And he won that fight, but I'm used the wrong person winning. We tend to call the Narcissist a winner.

My ex mother in law and ex talk about sending my son to boot camp to straighten him out, but he doesn't need further punishment. He needs a man in his life who won't let him down. He needs a safe space from verbal and emotional attacks on his precious young mind. He needs love, not training on how to be a man in a society that breaks men until they can't function as anything that resembles the kind of man a woman (or child) really wants and needs. He doesn't need boot camp, he needs a man who can admit he's wrong, say he's sorry, and face himself in the mirror. He needs a man who will grow up so that he can stop imprinting pain into his own son's subconscious psyche. He needs to be put first by that man, and not asked to be an adult before he's ready to be. But on second thought, maybe it doesn't take a man to raise a man. Maybe it takes an awakened woman to raise a man.

To all of the man who have failed me, thank you for making me realize how little value an unhealed man has to offer. To the men who beat babies out of me, to the men who denied their own children, to the men who went off and glorified their images online while I did all the hard work, this is what a man looks like. Take a good look at this woman. This is a real man. I carry the Divine Masculine within now, and it's blessing to stop begging men who don't want to be men, to be men.  Shit, I got this ... go do you, boo.

Happy Father's Day to all the women who have no choice but to pick up the slack of a man who isn't really a man. You all are raising the next generation of men, and hopefully, when they look back on their lives, they'll know exactly who the fuck was there for them.

Namaste'