Kurt Cobain - Turn The Water Off

Could you find enough mercy in your heart to help someone you love in pain take their own life? If you really think about it, could you come to the conclusion that it was the sole humane offering, one last way to tell someone you love them, to assist them in creating their own death. I mean, really think about it. Your answer might surprise you. When Kurt posed this question to me, being an advocate for the right to die, I took thirty seconds to say, "yes". 

I paid a friend to shoot me up with Heroin when I was in my late teens. I told him, "you better get the fucking job done." I was sure I wanted to die. Or at least not be in pain any longer. I was coping with a lot. This same friend, a much older man who lied to me about his age, had spent some time "slumming" with me. I offered him a place to stay out of the goodness of my heart, and he led me into a hardcore love affair with Heroin. I don't remember much about my time as an addict. If you asked me if I had an addiction, I would try to deny it. After all, I wasn't the one shooting myself up. 

It's all a blur. I would be coming to and then a needle would hit me in my arm, or in my leg. I would see it coming, but have no time to react, or stop him. And then ... the blissful blackness that is a Heroin high would consume me until the next time I awakened. I have mere glimpses of this time in my life, very few pictures of what that month was like for me. Men coming and going, paying for their turn to my body as I lay there helpless. Unable to even move. I recall flashes of a cigarette lighter between my legs, on my thighs, and his face leering back at me, laughing.

He had stolen my phone, hidden it from me, and kept me so high I couldn't stay awake long enough to seek help. I wasn't in any pain until the morphine wore off in the hospital. Then it was so excruciating inside and out, that all I wanted was the cushion of a high again. Or death. Some relief from this earthly sorrow I had come to believe was life for me. When they revived after he answered my cry for help. I fought with the EMT'S. I came down from my last Heroin high so fast and so hard. I had been expended in an eternal state of bliss, just to have some well meaning person interrupt it and pull me back into the cold hard reality of life again. 

Kurt Cobain was someone we all know struggled with his inner demons. He was an Angelic energy walking this earth, never really understanding his surroundings. I can see the genuine confusion at it all that clouded his mind as he walked through the world. There are souls that never really acclimate to life on Earth. For them, it's almost always excruciating to be alive. Kurt's music for a lot of us was a chance to spend time in our own suffering uninterrupted. We didn't have to seek therapy, or snap out of it, because though we aren't supposed to feel depressed for too long, listening to music is still okay. Kurt gave us that cushion to fall back onto anytime we needed it. His music holds a certain vibration that can be all consuming. It is a place where it is okay to feel whatever emotion you feel, even if it is melancholy.

Kurt was someone who was in pain, often. I didn't know it until I did a little research, but he even had an undiagnosed stomach issue that caused him so much suffering he commented on it once, saying he wanted to blow his brains out. Like Marilyn Monroe, who was also known for bad mental health, his death was misdiagnosed as suicide. Kurt wasn't alone when he died. But he wasn't exactly murdered either, depending on how you feel about assisted suicide. 

Kurt would beg his wife, Courtney, to help him end his suffering. He would say things like, if you loved me, you would do it. He begged her for years, and then one day she obliged. Allegedly and for entertainment purposes, I will share that story here now. This is not an attempt to dirty someone's name, as I believe in the right to die. But Kurt has a story to tell that nobody has ever heard, and he is my client today. I have to honor him and let his voice be heard now.

Courtney was in LA in early April, for rehab. She had allegedly invited Kurt to get clean with her, but he had declined. Kurt stayed in Washington, where he met a man hired by his wife with his money, on that fateful day his life ended. The man is a friend to many in Hollywood. He may be a doctor, or a lawyer, but I'm seeing a diploma or certificate of some kind being framed. This man ran with celebrities, and was fairly good looking, blonde, about 5'10, handsome. But he wasn't famous himself. It's almost as if he leeched off of the energy of his superior friends, and that was enough of a high for him. 

The hours ticked by as Kurt was injected with more and more Heroin. Until the hours ceased to exist at all. It was well after midnight when the final shot was given. The people in involved in helping Kurt end his life, wanted it to be as humane as possible, like when you put an animal down. The man in particular, had great bedside manner. He was very gentle in his touch, and that was his prime focus as he helped the worlds most famous grunge musician leave this world behind. At the time the people involved really felt like they were doing the right thing. 

I'm seeing a quiet phone call placed between the hours of three and four am. The man announced that it was sure done. It's almost like seeing a doctor tell a family member, in that cool, somber, professional tone, that their loved one had passed on, There was an air of professionalism about it, as Kurt had requested that it not be just anyone off the street. 

In the aftermath of Kurt Cobains assisted suicide a lot of feelings have changed. Kurt himself has expressed great anger and a depth of hurt that only a victim would feel. Even though at the time his judgement had been clouded by his suffering, he doesn't think he was in the headspace to orchestrate such a heinous act. He was counting on the people who loved him to actually help him, to lead him out of suffering by other means than helping him take his life. I think Kurt was someone who never felt loved. I think his persona is based off of this lack of being able to feel close to anyone. To feel truly wanted, loved, and safe in the presence of love. 

To say everyone involved in his death was haunted by this decision, is an understatement. And yet, nobody has come clean about their involvement either, which haunts Kurt. Even though he requested assistance in taking his own life, he really wanted someone to love him enough to actually help him find the end to his suffering. It broke his heart when the man showed up to his door that day, because it didn't really feel like love. He was a bit of tortured soul. When I sank into his energy I was filled with a familiar sense of being trapped in a dimmed down world that I couldn't escape. The pain was unbearable. Nobody could think straight in that amount of pain. You would consider running into oncoming traffic for one moment of peace from an eternal suffering.

In the beginning of this blog post I asked you if you would consider helping someone you love take their own life. My answer was a hearty yes, but after being exposed to the truth of what that is actually like for the people involved, I have to say that there has to be a better way to help someone want to live. It is a tragedy that Kurt Cobain is not still here with us. There are no words for that kind of loss. A cry for help is just that, so let his story be a gentle reminder that is more beautiful to be able to conquer your demons than it is to allow them to devour you.

"Turn the water off, turn the water off ..." These words were the last words I believe Kurt Cobain thought before his life was taken.