Clayton, Hunter, and Chase

On June 15th of this year, Chad Doerman, lined up his three young boys, then shot them execution style. There were no survivors. 

As a mother to three boys myself, this tragedy struck way too close to home for me. I have been angry, devastated, baffled, and lost in the same question we all have, "why?" The three young boys even physically resemble my own children when they were small. Three small blonde haired, blued eyes boys with bright smiles, who did EVERYTHING together. They were never alone, because they always stuck close to each other. Friends were welcome, but not a necessity. It's that way when you have brothers. 

I pulled a little tarot on the boys earlier tonight, asking the most prominent questions on my mind. I can't sleep not understanding how anyone could harm their own children in this manner. There's a sick feeling in my stomach, and honestly, I kind of hate the world today. This is a tragedy, and only a tragedy. There is no silver lining. Nothing we can learn. No small stone of wisdom that makes it any easier to breathe. 

I can't imagine how the mother of these boys will go on. And yet, I know she will, because that was evident in the cards. The "I will find a way to live through this, but I already can't wait to be there with them", mentality is what will keep her here amongst the living, though painfully broken. And she knows this. She doesn't expect to be the same person she was before she had her babies stolen from her. She's just trying to make it to the finish line God intended for her, after all is said and done. She does have an older daughter who needs her mother now, more than ever.

I won't disclose all of the reading, because in this particular situation I believe a little privacy may warranted. I did get a fairly obvious reason why Chad Doerman did what he did, and it wasn't mental illness. This was purely narcissistic in nature. I don't think the media is going to be completely open about what the motive was either. It doesn't even seem necessary, because the damage is done. I would be surprised if they are. If the mother ever finds herself wanting to share her story, I'm sure she will have a place to do that. Nobody needs to be victim shamed on top of what is already the worst case scenario. The mother of the boys, in fact, did everything right. The only person to blame here is the boy's father. And his reason will never be good enough.

The oldest daughter is grateful to be alive. She is turning to her faith to get through this tragedy. Whatever that means. She witnessed something horrific, I mean in great detail she will never forget. She's already developing symptoms of being the survivor of tragedy. She does not want to waste this second chance at life. She is fearful of letting her family down. And she won't be comfortable living a life that wouldn't make her brothers proud. We may find her in the spiritual/religious field someday. Or in something like social work.

CLAYTON, 7 - I think Clayton was the last to be murdered. It is my belief that he was the boy who attempted to run. He was a baseball player, and he knew how to run a track. I want to say that I can't imagine the horror he experienced in those last moments, but I witnessed them in rewind through his energy, so I can't. "Daddy" suddenly seemed very different, very unlike his normal self. It was surreal what he was seeing, and he wanted so badly to go back in time to even a moment before the shootings began.

Clayton seems like the kind of kid who would walk up to anyone and start a friendship. You could be feeling utterly lonely, and this wonderful person would be the first to walk up to you, give you a hug, and essentially adopt you, as a new friend. He wanted to be a fireman or a policeman. I think he was an amazing, protective, and proud big brother who was always happy to teach his younger siblings something new. He was a leader.

HUNTER, 4 - I can say with whatever relief it may provide, that Hunter's death wasn't prolonged. It happened so fast, he didn't know what was going on. He wasn't fearful, so much as curious. Hunter immediately returned to infanthood upon his leaving his body. He went back to being a much smaller baby in his mothers arms, nursing in the safety of her embrace. Hunter was a mama's boy, and she was his very favorite person in the whole wide world. It's almost comforting seeing his memories of her as a baby, being the way that he returned to the arms of his Heavenly Father.

CHASE, 3 - Chase was amazingly inquisitive, and so bright in his thinking. He didn't understand what was going on, but he knew "daddy" looked very angry. I can feel the fear in his belly, as he struggled to grasp why everything had changed so rapidly, and was suddenly out of control. He wanted to be the voice of reason. I hear him earnestly forming the words in his head that he never got to ask. "maybe we can fix this?" I can see his memories of his dad saying these very same words to him when he made a mistake, "maybe we can fix this."

I don't think Chad didn't love his boys. I think part of the problem was that he loved them so much that he couldn't imagine anything being a threat to them being a normal, everyday, part of his life. I won't go into greater detail, as once again, there's no point in that now. What has been done is irreversible. And the only person to blame for any bad behavior is the father of these boys. There will never be a reason good enough.

As a mother of three boys myself, I wasn't always the parent I wanted to be. I had to change. I had to choose at some point to do it a little differently than it had been taught to me. I had to decide to be a true protector of the children. Which is something I'm very proud of, because nothing was handed to me on a silver platter. Nothing except for my boys. In my darkest moments, they have dragged me though days I didn't want to exist anymore.

When you meet an Angel, you have the opportunity to treat them as blessing, or to completely destroy their innocence. I hope most of choose to heal, even if isn't the easy path. As people who brought new life into this world, we are obligated to heal. I hope to live in a world one day where the stories about children being murdered by their own parents, isn't something we hear about every other day. I am so tired of these stories.

My aunt's quilted a pillow for me after the birth of my youngest son, now twelve years old, that said, "Trucks and dirt, and shades of blue, but little boys are Angel's too." 

Heaven has three new Angels, Clayton, Hunter, and darling Chase.