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Alpha Angel

Nothing prepares you for the worst phone call of your life. Or the whirlwind of events that follow it. I wish I could go back in time, to the person I was before that phone call. I'm well aware that my life will never be as comfortable as it was before then. Rapid expansion calls one to evolve, and to do so so quickly that there is no remainder of the old life left. Spiritually speaking, of course. It's a cheat code to evolution. But frankly, I prefer ignorance, it was blissful there ... Two weeks ago I took my boys school shopping. I allowed them to spend entirely too much money on the shoes they wanted this year. It was kind of fun to pretend not to worry about money for an afternoon. We spent the day at the mall near my apartment, browsing and buying. The excitement they expressed the rest of the day made me smile and float about my apartment. It felt good to be ... normal. To buy the things we wanted without hyperventilating. If you grew up poor, you strongly relate to the ...
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The Sanctuary Within

The fact that I am here is a miracle that is not lost on me. The hard part about that is living in a world that doesn't celebrate much of anything, unless it involves a celebrity doing it. My story seems to have fallen on deaf ears. I wonder, what would make a story like mine matter to those who simply do not care about people like me?  I vacillate between continuing to blog or post my words of wisdom on social media, sometimes temporarily shutting down said accounts for days (months, years) at a time. But time and time again I hear the whimpering of a little girl who never got to speak her truth, begging me to keep allowing her to tell her version of events. It's important to me, and that is enough of a reason to keep writing.  Let's be honest, I am not who the people would have chosen to be the voice to speak out on the things that I do. They would never have offered me the leadership role. One glance might tell you why, but we've slept on the foundation that was my b...
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After A Hurricane Comes A Rainbow

This will be my very last blog post about my last relationship. I think I've shared what I needed to in order to stay mentally sane, when I felt that was necessary. And as hard as it it to believe, that part of my life is over. Now that I have the full freedom to move forward in every single way, why wouldn't I choose closure instead of rehashing the past again and again? Some may think I never should have commented on my relationship publicly, ever, at all. After all, there are two sides to a story, and I probably didn't cop to everything I could have. I just want peace now, so that means closing the door on what was. I'm choosing to do that today by writing one more blog post about that time in my life. I'm a writer, it's how we heal.  I knew there would be a time of additional healing when I finally escaped my situation. I often imagined that I might sleep a lot more than normal, or that old emotional baggage would come bubbling to the surface now that I coul...
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Kurt Cobain - Turn The Water Off

Could you find enough mercy in your heart to help someone you love in pain take their own life? If you really think about it, could you come to the conclusion that it was the sole humane offering, one last way to tell someone you love them, to assist them in creating their own death. I mean, really think about it. Your answer might surprise you. When Kurt posed this question to me, being an advocate for the right to die, I took thirty seconds to say, "yes".  I paid a friend to shoot me up with Heroin when I was in my late teens. I told him, "you better get the fucking job done." I was sure I wanted to die. Or at least not be in pain any longer. I was coping with a lot. This same friend, a much older man who lied to me about his age, had spent some time "slumming" with me. I offered him a place to stay out of the goodness of my heart, and he led me into a hardcore love affair with Heroin. I don't remember much about my time as an addict. If you asked me...
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Breakdown

When I was seventeen I lost my memory. Not all of it, but chunks of it. This was a result of trauma induced by a toxic environment amongst my then peers. Bullying is something that continues well into today's day and age. Little has changed. Bullies will always exist. Sometimes they grow up and pretend that they have evolved over time, but it's impossible to truly change if you choose to ignore the crying child within.  I met a boy, slighter older than me one night, as my friends and I dragged State Street. That's what bored kids do at night in Utah, when they don't drink and they can't get into clubs. It used to be the way we met people outside of the halls of high school. This boy and I hit it off, and we started dating immediately. I can't recall timelines very well, but I think this relationship lasted a year. On and off. We came from different worlds, he and I. He was raised LDS (Mormon), and I was from the streets, Hood. I think this is one of the reasons ...
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Clayton, Hunter, and Chase

On June 15th of this year, Chad Doerman, lined up his three young boys, then shot them execution style. There were no survivors.  As a mother to three boys myself, this tragedy struck way too close to home for me. I have been angry, devastated, baffled, and lost in the same question we all have, "why?" The three young boys even physically resemble my own children when they were small. Three small blonde haired, blued eyes boys with bright smiles, who did EVERYTHING together. They were never alone, because they always stuck close to each other. Friends were welcome, but not a necessity. It's that way when you have brothers.  I pulled a little tarot on the boys earlier tonight, asking the most prominent questions on my mind. I can't sleep not understanding how anyone could harm their own children in this manner. There's a sick feeling in my stomach, and honestly, I kind of hate the world today. This is a tragedy, and only a tragedy. There is no silver lining. Nothin...
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Kaylee Goncalves

My first interaction with Kaylee happened a few weeks ago. I chose not to write about it, because the case hadn't been solved yet. I felt that it was far more respectful of me to hang back and let the authorities reveal their findings first. This case was so damaging to so many innocent lives, and I in no way wanted to add to that pain. Even if the people involved never see my writing. I also felt that what I saw was too graphic, and in no real way beneficial to anyone to read.  Kaylee has persistently pleaded with me to write her final goodbye. That sounds so surreal, even to me. My life isn't always boring and consistent, after all. I meant no disrespect to Kaylee by denying her her wish for so long, but I truly needed her to understand that there are certain things I simply will never feel comfortable disclosing. It's like the coroner insisting that the family really doesn't want to see the body of their mangled loved one, because the horror is one that would be life...
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