Kaylee Goncalves

My first interaction with Kaylee happened a few weeks ago. I chose not to write about it, because the case hadn't been solved yet. I felt that it was far more respectful of me to hang back and let the authorities reveal their findings first. This case was so damaging to so many innocent lives, and I in no way wanted to add to that pain. Even if the people involved never see my writing. I also felt that what I saw was too graphic, and in no real way beneficial to anyone to read. 

Kaylee has persistently pleaded with me to write her final goodbye. That sounds so surreal, even to me. My life isn't always boring and consistent, after all. I meant no disrespect to Kaylee by denying her her wish for so long, but I truly needed her to understand that there are certain things I simply will never feel comfortable disclosing. It's like the coroner insisting that the family really doesn't want to see the body of their mangled loved one, because the horror is one that would be life altering. You cant un-see some of the things you see, they haunt you forever.

What I do feel is important to share is that Kaylee tried her best to protect Maddie. Maddie was in way able to do so for herself. Maddie was killed before Kaylee. When I'm seeing this as Kaylee, I am absolutely in shock and the horror is too real. I can't believe he has done what he has done. My final moments are spent shaking in terror. I grew up in a home that was full of love, People didn't fight. They hardly even raised their voices. My normal was serene, safe, boring even. Idaho is one of those places you either leave, or die trying to leave. 

Before Maddie, life was good. But when she came along, it got so much cooler! We were instant BFF's. Seeing her take her final breath, choking and sobbing, blood everywhere, I knew I wanted to go too. That life wouldn't matter without her in it. Dying wasn't so terrifying knowing my best friend was already on the other side waiting for me. I wasn't afraid of leaving a planet without her on it anymore. We really were soulmates. We lived together, loved together, lost together, hoped and prayed together (we really did, we prayed!), and we served as a reminder that life is triumphant if you are willing to live it as if you were a servant of something higher. 

I know my image was distorted in the media, I was a wild child. And I also know that often times the story is mistold if it doesn't come from the source it's self. No matter what was stories you heard, we were girls with good hearts and great morals. I wasn't keen on too much cussing, and I definitely wasn't a mean girl. Which is another reason I think my life ending the way it did, wasn't a punishment like some say, but a mercy bestowed upon me by the Heaven's. I wouldn't have lived, but simply survived. I'm not one with a high tolerance for pain. I wouldn't have wanted to be changed in that way. 

I realize life isn't sunshine and rainbows all of the time, but some things are too cruel to have to spend a lifetime with. They change your heart, and you live in fear forever. Scars are for strong people, and I don't claim to be that strong. It it by the grace of the powers that be, that I am set free from living a long and tormented life without my sister, without my beautiful Maddie. Because everyone knows that there is no Kaylee without Maddie. 

I pray that we can find peace and forgiveness, amen. XO, K.