Queen Of Cups

I've been praying for a Tower Moment for nearly a decade. A Spiritual catastrophe that changes the course I'm on, pushing me so fully into alignment that I no longer recognize my life, myself, or the people around me. Have you ever felt so trapped by the four walls of your bedroom, your past choices, and the state you live in, that life feels too mundane to bear? And an early ending doesn't seem like the worst solution to your problems? Because to go on trapped, barely thriving, living your life for others is somehow a much worse option.

I'm seeking a tribe that feels like family, but being that I have yet to fully honor my calling, I keep finding myself living a lie. I am surrounded by people who love me, but only on a surface level. They can see you cry, and they don't move to wipe the tears that threaten to ruin your meticulously applied black winged eyeliner. It all feels a bit cold, and all I want now is warmth. I've been standing in the rain for far too long. The relief of arms holding me tight, someone whispering in my ear that is and will be alright, sounds like a fairytale. But I am bold enough to believe in the ultimate fairytale, a love that transcends human ego, enveloping me in a cocoon of safety forever.

I will never find my Happy Ever After in mind numbing work routines and the unawakened masses that choose safety again and again, over expansion, over movement, over chaos. Sometimes, in comparison, I wonder if I am the one who is damaged, lost, broken beyond repair. But as I travel my path and there is less to hold onto all the time, I realize it is better to appear insane, rather than to be insane. It is better to move, to keep growing, to go forward, than it is to stay stuck. Especially in places where your value can be bought for a low, low wage. And your needs, the truest calling of your heart, will never matter.

There was an energetic shift this Mercury Retrograde that pushed me out of the only safety net I had thus far created for myself. I had become comfortable, therefore dormant, in the idea that I finally belonged somewhere. It was a short lived ideal created by my mind to keep me complacent. I was making barely enough to survive, and my relationships swam in the shallow end of things. It was painful to insist to myself that this was a good life, a great choice, that I deserved a pat on the back for playing the role of a lifetime. 

I think for those of us who aren't sleeping, a Tower Moment seems like the only way out of our self (and not entirely self imposed) limitations. I know I am not the first to wonder what it would be like to wander off the face of The Earth. To wonder with curious misery what lies beyond the ordinary, the everyday, the expected of us. And I know many of us suffer our losses of potential behind closed doors, wondering why if The Universe created us to be so GLORIOUS, we somehow were left behind to figure it all out alone. Therein lies the problem, the heartbeat that unites me to all others born into a life of lesser circumstances than others. 

Bella Life is a dream that one day will manifest. It is a corporation built on the foundation of poverty that will seek to give dreams back to those who simply can't manifest them on their own, because let's be honest, Manifestation is easier for those born into privilege. I am not here to mince my words, to mock my own experience, by saying that all suffering is created equal. I am not here to uphold the vicious shame spiral of those who try and fail suffer, when they realize nothing great can be born of a lack of true opportunity and a support system.

Anyone who says they made it on their own is lying, to themselves, and to you. And for what benefit? A round of applause? Shaming others with untruths is another form of abuse called TOUGH LOVE that our society just eats up. Earn little, be a doormat, smile through the bullshit. You'll look like such a winner! Too many winners aren't eating right, aren't getting anywhere, aren't able to honor their callings. Too many winners will die unknown, unsuccessful, and aching for a different ending to their lives. Who wants to be a winner if the only people it benefits is those who believe in the paradigm that serves them above you? Not me.

And so I will go forth confidently again and again, fucking the system, leaving behind trails, as I pave my way through unchartered territory. And I will do it again and again, just to prove a fucking point. I will forever lead with my heart wide open, ruled by my strongly integrated (and unbreakable) emotional core. 

I am like the Queen of Cups. She bears the pressure of life not by shutting out her emotions, but by learning to swim in the murkiest depths of her soul.

*Warning: Blog uses frequent Tarot lingo.