Ambitionz As A Writer

I thought working with only women was going to be like that movie, Coyote Ugly. After hours the lights are dimmed low. We exchange our unflattering silk polo shirts for tight leopard print or faux leather pants, and dance on the counters throwing money around. I had high hopes, but every stereotype about groups of women came true instead. Imagine my disappointment when I realized early on that this wasn't going to be my Steel Magnolia's moment.

I am going to share an innermost secret with you. For many years I've longed to be a part of a women's only club. I see these movies like Hustlers (don't judge me!) and think my girl tribe is out there somewhere, but the fact of the matter is women aren't anymore evolved than men. We all share this 3D reality, and it's uncomfortable for every single one of us. We don't see a ton of positive female role models in any form or fashion. What is popular, what makes a woman successful in our society currently, really is often degrading. Even if they themselves call it female empowerment. And there's a lot of competition to be the prettiest female in all the land, because being beautiful somehow matters more than being nice, or funny, or interesting even.

As I prepare to receive my first and last paycheck, and decide which way my well earned summer vacation will be (Florida? Washington?), I am proud of myself for being myself. I have once again had the opportunity to use my voice and to step up my expectations of what The Universe has to offer me, and I have taken it. It isn't easy for someone who held secrets for the wellbeing of all but themselves, to stand up for themselves. We see Britney Spears doing this herself now, and I'm relating so hard to where she is in that struggle of power over oppression. It feels really good to say exactly what I want to say, unedited, unfiltered, maybe in a way that spiritually evolved guru's would try to tell me is unhealed and wrong. It feels good to be unabashedly human! 

Low key, this has been one of the worst places of employment in the history of my work history, I've ever worked, so it was easy to leave. Nobody was that welcoming. I would say something and they wouldn't respond. Maybe this was shyness. There was one woman in particular who went out of her way to make me feel very unwelcome. She spent the last three weeks glaring at me. She didn't even try to hide her dislike of me. I think I was supposed to understand her rank over me, as in she's "that bitch" (Kim Kardashian clone), but I don't see the world the same way other people do. I don't spend time in that low vibe vortex that implies someone younger and "prettier" than me, is someone I am not as important as. I honestly after a while stopped seeing any beauty in this woman. It was all just so petty. I've had the same thing happen with men who are good looking. They can be the most mystical creature on the planet, but once you see through the image to the empty core of who they actually are, none of that matters.

The straw that broke the camel's back was a woman I generally liked who was busting at the seams with annoyance at an unfulfilled life, who yelled at me twice. The first time I talked back, letting her know, hey, I'm not that bitch. Ya'all ain't paying me enough to talk any sort of way to me about anything, ma'am. And like I said, for the most part I liked her. The second time was just too much to forgive enough to stay on at this job any longer. She yelled at me in front of an entire lobby full of customers. I could feel their embarrassment for me. I don't know who, because I didn't look up to connect the energy to a certain person, but someone even thought I should just walk out right then and there. I'm damn near forty years old. I've birthed and raised three kids. I'm a Psychic Medium who talks to famous dead people, how the fuck you talking to me like that? At some point you feel like you should be exempt from the bullshit and shitty people, but life hands em' out constantly like condoms at an Anti-sex before marriage convention in Utah.

My guides clarified what is going on for me. They told me the hardest thing for people who don't love themselves is to be around people who do. I don't know why basic respect is so hard for so many people, especially those in charge. My guess is that they aren't being treated well by others above them either. It is hard to live an inauthentic life and to believe that is the life you should be living just because some meme of Instagram tells you to be grateful for your life as it is. We are some unhappy people out here. Some of us haven't been given the opportunity to thrive in the direction of our dreams, no matter how many people insist that they know we have, because it's always our choice to do something differently. Imagine the bliss in being that utterly ignorant. 

That is why I write my story. I don't want to come from a place of having achieved so much that I'm not relatable and my story doesn't inspire you because it can't reach you. I want to write while I'm going through it. I want to unveil my struggle of being someone who deserves better, who knows my destiny will unravel if I keep going, but who has to constantly dim themselves down to "make ends meet", while also somehow still reaching for the stars. That is inspiring, not some model on the cover of a magazine who was born with the right genes who got a lucky break in life. Not a family full of thriving business women who decided what they wanted to put out into the world and did it in the snap of a finger because they knew they couldn't fail. I do not understand this generation at all sometimes. I do not understand what becomes popular enough to go viral. It's often embarrassing to witness coming from my seat in the crowd.

My unborn daughter has been appearing to me more and more lately. I trust that she will be born, but having lived in this energy of the possibilities for so long (never seeing a manifestation), I also don't trust that her spirit will ever get to enter the physical reality to live with my sons and I. Maybe she will always just be a spirit child? I have, at certain times, been thankful I haven't birthed a daughter, because being a woman in this society hasn't been that much fun. I'm never good enough, no matter what sacrifices I make. I keep thinking it would be hard to raise a girl into a woman who doesn't hate herself as things stand. 

I'm feeling a little more hopeful than I have been, but it's funny because that's all due to me standing up against what is attacking me. I had to reach crisis before I could go forward. I had to hear it from more than one source, much to my chagrin, that I really did need to put myself first more often. That it really is okay to put on the boxing gloves and throw some punches. It's unfortunate that us softer souls are pushed into energy that doesn't necessarily feel good to us, by those all too willing to walk all over us. I don't understand that, but it's the world that we live in.

This world likes to ruin beautiful things. They can try, but they can't extinguish the flame of those who are born with the blood of a celestial gangster flowing through them. Ya'all forget, I came here to do this shit, I was born to break through barriers, to land on my feet time and time again, to piss you off as I come up in this world. To level up, to rise to my fullest power, to make the ground crack beneath my feet as I walk through the Ghetto that has been my entire life. 

"I was born rough and rugged. My attitude was fuck it." -Tupac Shakur