Daycare

I recently became employed at a daycare. It's funny how fast life can change in under two weeks. I know my life will never be the same. As I write that line I am emotional. I had no idea when I set foot into this mildly run down daycare center in my small nearly non-existent hometown that I would sense the world falling into place in a big way. Or that my dreams would become crystal clear, my inner knowing setting off alarms bells meant to further push me into my destiny. Or what I would like to be my life's work.

There can not be another place in the world where you're so warmly welcomed with open arms! I have never been another place where hugs, and excited questions and compliments, took up my entire first week of work. The infants are precious, their innocence stealing your once receding heart. The toddlers are troublemakers with a curiosity for life that reminds you not to take life (or yourself) too seriously. Two's are terrible, but fuck, they know how to party. Three's just wanna love, man! They're the sweetest people on this planet (when they're being good). And school age children, they want to hang onto every moment you share, always invested fully in the time they are living, never in the past. Nobody makes friends with no names faster than school age children.

That being said, working with children is far from glamorous. We all have those moments where we think to ourselves, "I might not come back after lunch ..." Then a kid with big blue eyes looks at you, staring deeply into your soul, like "you're leaving me?" The truth is you fall in love fast, and the tug on your heartstrings becomes this protective barrier between you and the world. You know you would do anything for these kids, including put your life (or job) on the line. They're not your kids, of course, but when you're with them, they most certainly are your kids. Daycare is a family away from family for all of us, even the adults. 

My children are older now, and they don't need me as much. so having an opportunity to revisit the past is a win/win for me. I was born to be a mother. I came here to nurture, and to learn to mother my own inner child through them. I am not supposed to have favorites, but one little guy in particular, has completely bamboozled me and stolen my heart. Mr. J is a rambunctious one year old who has no idea how to be gentle. I imagine someday when he's not little anymore, but big, him as a somewhat clumsy all American boy who gives the best bear hugs while accidentally punching you in the eye and knocking you over. That is what we will all love about him. That part of him that isn't cartoonish enough to fit in. The part of him that makes us all have to stop and breathe a little deeper. But each child really is special in their own way, and they each have the gift of being able to bring out a different part of you that you forgot (or never knew) existed.

After one week, not knowing how long I will actually be working at this establishment, I can safely say, this was fate. Everything about it has been fated, set up by The Universe. The reason I can say this is that one night I sat on my bed and I cried, knowing that my life can never possibly go back to the way it was. Working with children has ignited this passion for a long life dream I had forgotten all about. I want to be a foster parent when circumstances are right. I have always wanted to have a dinner table full of kids. I have always wanted to travel to another country to "hold babies". No wonder The Universe has felt like a shitty friend I confide in who never gives me what I want. I was confused. Even in love. I was asking for all the wrong things. And I was getting them. Or getting to experience them from a distance, which was enough to make me realize, "this isn't what I want."

I think the reason it's so emotional for me too, is that I have lived my life for others. In particular in my last relationship, I was a slave to what would make My Narcissist happy, always forsaking my own needs, wants, and dreams. It finally feels like I'm starting my own journey, living my own life, for nobody but me. I told my sister through sobs, "you can feel so lost, or so off course for so long, and then one day, just like that, you find yourself." We were both marveling how recently The Universe seems to have delivered an answer to our prayers, although not in the way we had expected. It's a bittersweet moment, when you realize someone is listening, and you are going to get what you want, but it may just look a little "wrong" until it doesn't.

I had a regrettable moment this afternoon. I woke up feeling very sick this morning. Being that I work with children I called into my place of work to find out what is expected of me in this situation. The response was abrupt and bit callous, but I understand the rules of working for others. It's not necessarily about humanity, it's about money and profit. I was told I needed to come in, as in anyone calling in sick was technically quitting. That wasn't my concern, I was asking because I work with babies and I had no idea what was customary in a situation like this. I went in and it was fine, until lunch time when I was asked to break someone in the infant room. A common cold isn't necessarily dangerous to most age groups of kids, but with infants it can be deadly. I had to stand up for those babies and tell the staff I wouldn't do it. It made me too uncomfortable. If I worked exclusively with infants and the reply to my question was what it was this morning (come in anyway, or you don't have a job), I would happily have walked away from what little security I have in this world currently. 

I really struggle with my  newfound abrasiveness, because of my trauma. I always feel bad when I stand up for myself, or my beliefs. Even if I am not speaking rashly or being dramatic. It wasn't safe, and I wasn't a "good girl", if I did that in my childhood. My guides laughed at me on my entire ride home, saying, "oh, this is my fuck the system type of girl!" It did make me feel a little better. I want my job. I need my job, I appreciate my job. But I will never be able to back down when it comes to what matters to me again. Welcome to the reality of Awakening, where the good people are often confused with being Assholes.

But maybe being likeable is only possible if you're willing to sell your soul again and again? And maybe it's overrated.